Have you ever been with your child or grandchild and wondered, “How am I going to get through this day since this child is not listening?”
You start to ask yourself, “Is this ‘Opposite Day?’” since when you say ask them to do one thing they do the opposite. When you feel like your child or grandchild is driving you to the brink of insanity, take a breath. This will pass.
Let’s remember that we’re parenting the whole child, a reality that is glaringly obvious, yet so easy to forget. Your job is not to be “perfect,” because those individuals do not exist. Your job as a parent, grandparent and/or caregiver is to do the best you can with the tools you have in your back pocket.
I believe that no matter what has happened the day before, each day is made new. Think about this for a second: Are you going to be always bringing things up with your partner once the conflict is over? You might, but once it is discussed and resolved it is time to really let it go.
Pay attention to your communication skills within your family. If the child has behaved in a way that has made it hard for you to forgive, make a conscious choice to move on and start each day fresh. Genuine forgiveness is a process and, depending on the situation, it may take some time to get there. In the meantime, make the choice to let go even when it will be the hardest thing to do in certain situations.
If you’re wondering how to make forgiveness part of your family’s culture, we have some tips to strengthen that area of your life.
Deal with it in the moment
When something happens, deal with it then and there. If the child is delayed in empathy development, or has a hard time knowing what others are thinking, label your emotions and theirs. For example, “I felt very sad for you that you decided to do that,” or “When you ran away from me, I yelled at you because I thought I might lose you.” You can label the child’s emotion, while modeling an empathic response: “You were sad for the child when they didn’t get what you wanted. I know you were sad, since I saw you crying. I am sorry that you felt so sad.” We use the language “I was sad for you” and not “That made me sad when you did this” since we don’t want to give the child the power that they can control your emotions. Once a child feels they have that control over you that is when behaviors will keep happening. You want to be calm and use less words as you move through the situation.
Allow natural consequences
Depending on what has happened, there will be consequences on some level. Some of our best family moves come from allowing natural consequences to do their thing, because this is how our children learn about the world. If you ask your child 10 times to come away from the water’s edge and they don’t listen, they may fall in. If they fall, your child will have to live with the uncomfortable consequences of wet clothes. Next time your child is near water, they’ll have learned to stand back. You can do this in so many different areas in your life. But do keep in mind safety does need to come first.
Don’t bring it up again
This is one of the hardest things family members have to deal with when it comes to a child having the same behavior over and over again. As a family you will need to pre-decide that you will not throw past offenses back in the child’s face. It can be so tempting in those moments of frustration, where the child in the family is pushing you to the edge. You want to say, “What about when—” but we challenge you to bite your tongue.
If what the child has done is still offending you long after the fact, ask yourself if the event has triggered anything that has more to do with your past rather than the child’s present. In my experience working with children when you keep bringing things up the child starts to think you don’t trust them to make the right choice. Which can be true, but you need to start somewhere and today is a brand new day. When the child feels you don’t trust them they start to not trust themselves.
Here are some tips on language so you don’t bring up the past. Instead of saying, “You need to listen and be respectful,” you can say, “I wonder what good choices you are going to make today? I know you can make the right choice when things come up, or at least try.” Look at the difference in language and this gives the child a feeling of control with their own choices and increases their self-esteem. Everyone wins, and the child is trying.
Model humility and apology
When you have hit your limit with the child, which we all do, this is one way to go back and model an apology to the person you hurt. Forgiveness isn’t just about you extending a hand to the child. Every family member will make mistakes, and say things which they wish had never come out of their mouth. When you feel as though your actions have crossed the line, model what it looks like to “make it right.” An apology of action is when you do something to apologize, rather than just saying, “Sorry.”
How can you apologize with an action? One way is to ask the child, “How can I make this better after I made a mistake?” Listen to what the child needs. This will bridge the communication with the family and show them everyone makes mistakes and it is how we show up in the family when this happens. When was the last time you told a child in your family you made a mistake?
Every day is a new day
If you’re brave enough, make this a family value. It’s obviously easier said than done, but this way of living will promote timely conflict resolution, emotional health and longevity of relationships. Practicing forgiveness within your family will protect the relationship from crumbling over a mountain of cumulated offenses and strengthen your communication. Families are always growing and learning, and it’s great when they communicate in ways that bring them together.
Today is a brand new day.
